As Vic's beaten her old laptop to death, We ordered her a new one. It's never shown up on UPS' tracking, but it arrived today. I spent the usual 2 hours installing updates and rebooting, and was just copying files when I thought "hang on, where's the Program Files (x86) directory?
Doh, it's running 32 bit Windows 7 (Professional, woo).
Bummer. So, I'd been wasting my time. I decided to install the extra memory I'd bought (it has 2Gb, and 4Gb was $50 more. I bought 8Gb for $50), and couldn't get the cover off. Everything I could find made it sound simple - just pop the battery, and the cover should drop off. Having struggled with it for about 20 minutes, we finally found that running your thumbnail under the cover at the front releases it. Good to know. I'd reply to the forum posts where people are complaining about not being able to get the cover off if I didn't have to bloody subscribe to do it.
Anyways, I reinstalled it with 64 bit Home Premium, then immediately used the "anytime upgrade" to get it to Professional, using the code that came with the laptop. I'll install the drivers and suchlike tomorrow. Damnit.